We often look for a formula to follow, a sequence of steps that guarantees success in our relationships. Whether in marriage, friendships, leadership, or ministry, we want a clear path: “Do this first, then that, and you’ll get the result you want.” But what if real connection doesn’t work that way?
Yesterday, in a conversation with my friend, Dr. Rick Marks, we reflected on something profoundly simple that he is passionate about saying. Simple, yet deeply transformative: there are no steps—only choices. Relationships are not built by following a rigid sequence; they grow through the daily decisions we make in how we approach others.
The Four Choices That Build Relationships
1. Real Learning Happens When We Choose Humility
We don’t learn new things when we think we already know it all. True learning—whether about another person, a situation, or even ourselves—begins when we step out of arrogance and into humility. Humility allows us to ask questions instead of assuming answers, to listen instead of waiting for our turn to speak. It positions us to grow, to gain wisdom, and to see beyond our own perspective.
2. Good Decisions Can Happen When We Choose Respect.
Every day, we decide how we will treat the people around us. Will we respect them, even when we disagree? Will we suspend judgment long enough to see them as whole people rather than just their opinions or actions? Choosing respect means valuing the other person not for what they do or believe, but for who they are—an image-bearer of God, worthy of dignity and grace.
3. Helpful Understanding Happens When We Choose Empathy.
Many people believe that understanding requires agreement. It doesn’t. You don’t have to agree with someone to understand them. When we choose empathy, we step into another person’s world—not to judge it or fix it but simply to acknowledge and honor their experience. Understanding is the bridge that creates connection. Without connection, sharing the truth in love, is nearly impossible because our relationships remain shallow and transactional.
4. Healthy Actions Happen When We Choose Goodwill.
Words and intentions are meaningless without action. But action rooted in goodwill is different from action motivated by control or obligation. Goodwill means acting in a way that genuinely seeks the best for the other person, not just trying to win or be right. It’s living the truth through our love in motion, kindness lived out.
If I am honest, I want a roadmap, I really wish that relationships could be built through a series of prescribed steps. But relationships aren’t formulas. We aren’t machines. We are dynamic, unpredictable, and shaped by the moment-by-moment choices we make.
Even better than a roadmap is the emotional maturity that God’s word and the Holy Spirit provide as we abide in Him. So, what will it be:
Will we choose humility or pride?
Will we choose respect or judgment?
Will we choose empathy or dismissal?
Will we choose goodwill or ill will?
There are no steps—only choices. And the choices we make determine the relationships we build.
